


can't promise

by beeseven



Category: GOT7
Genre: Brief Mention of Violence, Established Relationship, Jealousy, M/M, codependent relationship, it's not abusive in any way tho promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24556195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeseven/pseuds/beeseven
Summary: “I kinda don’t know what to do anymore,” his voice is soft but it hurts Jaebeom like a punch in his stomach, he knows what Youngjae means he doesn’t know what to do about them anymore. “I don’t want you to promise me anything, you never keep your promises anyway. I just… I don’t want us to ruin this.”He doesn’t say Jaebeom is the only one ruining it but he knows he is the one at fault, “I’m really sorry, I’m so so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t-- I shouldn’t have punched him. There are no excuses for what I did,” Jaebeom did what he never thought he would do, he punched someone else out of jealousy.“Yeah, there isn’t.”
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Comments: 14
Kudos: 34





	can't promise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aya/gifts).



> Aya!!!!!!!! i don't if u enjoy stuff like this lol but i wanted to gift u something. ur the best <33
> 
> \- check the tags so u don't end up reading something u don't like serious, the summary is pretty telling as well  
> \- i know this is similar to what i always write errr but,,, anyways i really enjoy watching reactions on youtube, so when Ariana released her last album I saw a girl commenting on 'needy' and she was like 'telling people u can be needy ain't cute'. i was???? it's an emotion that people get to feel, as bad and hurtful as it can be there's nothing wrong feeling vulnerable so i wanted to write smth like that  
> -if u read that enjoyyy

Jaebeom has lost count of how many times he has checked his phone in the past two days, he has barely slept at all every little noise waking him up. Now his phone’s screen lights up again making the boy almost drop it to the floor in a rush to see the notification just to be faced with an email from his Modern Literature professor. Another textbook to read, just one more for the list of things Jaebeom was supposed to be doing but can’t bring himself to. Just doesn’t care about.

It’s been almost three days since he last spoke to Youngjae, not that he is counting the hours, he just remembers exactly when they parted ways in the parking lot and his brain knows that soon it will be full seventy-two hours, three complete days. He isn’t counting really, but he feels every second of it, every second Youngjae doesn’t do as much as text or call him. The whole thing is crushing Jaebeom’s inside, he knows he could do something, call his boyfriend first, try to talk to him, but he is scared. 

It was his fault, he was the one that messed up, that keeps messing up, Jaebeom overreacted again and made Youngjae mad, probably sad even, hell he put his boyfriend in a weird situation with his classmate. Jaebeom wonders with the boy told people at uni if they are looking at Youngjae in a different way if they judge him for dating some like Jaebeom. He should be the one calling Youngjae, he thinks, but he just can’t do it, no matter how much he stares at Youngjae’s contact on his phone, he can only wait without doing anything. 

This fear he feels isn’t rational, at least that’s what Jinyoung keeps telling him, that Youngjae loves him as much as Jaebeom does. That he won’t leave Jaebeom over small things, but it doesn’t really help, not when he knows the things he did wasn’t small, not when he feels so insecure about everything he says and does. Even trying to fix things up between them is scary for Jaebeom, he thinks about all the possible scenarios and in all of them Youngjae tells him just how tired he is of his bullshit, of his jealousy and neediness, and pretty much Jaebeom’s whole self.

Jaebeom doesn’t know why it’s just so hard for him to believe that Youngjae is on the same page as him, at first it wasn’t like that they had a balanced relationship. They started going out and it was all so simple, no one was jealous, Jaebeom didn’t feel like he had to know where Youngjae was all the time. They were happy. As things progressed he started to feel extremely needy, extremely worried that someone would want what he had with Youngjae for themselves. It seems that the more Jaebeom loved Youngjae the more he felt like he was losing him, as if he constantly needed something to keep the boy by his side but everything he did just made things worse. 

He keeps his eyes on the ceiling, turning off his phone, the anxiety eating him alive so it’s better if he just ignores the device, nothing good will show up on it just because he wants. Jaebeom watches as the night falls, hours and hours doing nothing but overthinking, his papers and textbooks remaining untouched. There is a soft knock at his door that Jaebeom just decides to ignore completely, then it comes again a bit more strong this time. 

“Jinyoung, leave me alone, I don’t wanna eat your burned rice.” His best friend isn’t the type to annoy him with affection ‘till he feels better like Jackson does, he understands the space Jaebeom needs, and anyway it isn’t likely him. But when he has enough of Jaebeom’s moping he will take the older boy by his legs pushing him through the apartment just for the sake of taking him out of his room. 

The door opens without any warning, Jaebeom is about to swear at Jinyoung when he looks and sees Youngjae already closing the door behind him. It’s really dark in the room, the only light source being the light pole coming from his window, but Jaebeom can see Youngjae clearly. He looks so good, maybe even better than in Jaebeom’s memories but he doesn’t look pleased, in fact, he looks like he is about to give Jaebeom a piece of his mind. 

But instead of saying something he sits in the bed close to Jaebeom’s chest, he puts a hand on Jaebeom’s hair letting it slide to his face slowly. It’s like he is petting Jaebeom, his eyes aren’t as harsh as his face, he can notice it better now. “You haven’t been speaking to me,”

Jaebeom can’t say anything to that so he just looks away, turning his vision back to the ceiling. He’s been thinking about Youngjae like crazy, wanting him here exactly where he is, but when he finally gets Youngjae with him he can’t face his boyfriend. Can’t say what has been through his mind, he just wants things to go back to normal without needing to talk about it, Jaebeom knows it won’t happen, it’s never so easy. 

“Should I leave if you don’t want to talk now?” It’s not a treat he sounds legitimately ready to do what is best for Jaebeom. 

“No,” Jaebeom says back way too fast and maybe way too loud for the quietness of the room. He doesn’t say anything else though, still Youngjae pushes his body a little just enough to make space for him to lie down next to Jaebeom. The warmth of his body invades Jaebeom’s own body way too fast, it’s so comforting he can’t keep any distance between them anymore. 

Jaebeom turns on his side so he can hug Youngjae, put his leg over his waist, nosing at his neck feeling the sweet smell of flowers of his shampoo. It’s the best place Jaebeom could be right now, he just missed it so much, to be with Youngjae, to not feel rejected, to feel even if for a moment that he is loved as much as he loves. 

“Are you alright?” Youngjae asks and Jaebeom is almost confused by the question but soon he notices the wetness in his face, his tears wetting his face and also Youngjae’s neck. He shakes his head, he isn’t alright, as happy as he is that Youngjae is here now the pain he felt these past days haven’t left his chest. “Can you skip classes tomorrow?” 

The turn in the conversation is the only thing able to make Jaebeom take his face out of Youngjae’s warm body to look down at him, “I guess, why though?” Not as if he has done any of his reading, it won’t make any difference if he shows up or not. 

“I want to take you somewhere, wear something warm, will you?” Youngjae’s voice is sweet, Jaebeom knows he won’t forgive him without a conversation, he doesn’t even know if he will get to be forgiven at all, but at least he is not mad. He nods at his boyfriend and gets up dressing own his warmest hoodie and comfortable sweatpants, changing his socks. 

“Can I go like that or is somewhere I should be more presentable?” He looks down at himself feeling regretful by his choice of clothes, the hoodie is bright orange and the sweatpants purple, on top of it he is wearing socks with sandals. Youngjae did say something warm and those were the first things that popped up in his head, warm and comfortable, but they were horrendous. 

“No, it’s perfect. You look very cute,” Jaebeom feels his face getting hot by the statement, Youngjae approaches him kissing his cheek. Suddenly things aren’t so bad anymore, maybe things aren’t lost as Jaebeom thought. “Let’s go then, promise I’m not kidnapping you.” 

Jaebeom smiles at him feeling a bit more at ease, he even holds Youngjae’s hand while they take the elevator. Holding his boyfriend’s hand isn’t something new, far from this, they have been dating for two years, Jaebeom is more than used to it by now. But after a fight he always feels like he lost the privilege of touching Youngjae, so when he gets to do it again it’s like a weight is being lifted from his chest. 

They get inside the shining red Jeep Youngjae drives, the thing is way older than both of their ages combined but it’s Youngjae’s favorite thing in the world. He got it just last year when he finally got his license. It’s an ugly pickup, but Youngjae loves it so Jaebeom tries to ignore how ugly and old it is. The boy thinks that maybe they will drive to a park or something like that, maybe a lake since Youngjae really enjoys those. But no they’ve been driving in silence for almost forty minutes, already out of the city with nothing in sight, not even other cars. 

“You sure you aren’t kidnapping me?” Jaebeom feels the words leaving his mouth before he can do anything, he doesn’t know if he can talk. But Youngjae laughs, it’s a small not loud as a usual laugh but still a laugh, still, it’s a sign that things can be ok between them. 

“It took you that long to worry? Wow, you really have no sense of preservation, or maybe you just trust me too much, huh,” his voice is teasing but Jaebeom doesn’t mind it. 

“I do, I trust you,” the air doesn’t feel as heavy as before. Jaebeom feels comfortable enough to turn on the radio, the system is so old that he can’t really connect his cell phone to it, they have to listen to the radio. He puts on a station that only plays old songs from the 80s, he knows Youngjae likes to drive listening to it. 

Youngjae looks at him quickly with a smile on his face, they are on a long road, no other cars, just traffic signs and tall cactus, so he lets one of his hand rest on Jaebeom’s thigh. It’s like the touch lights Jaebeom up, he feels his entire body burning with it, there were moments where he thought he wouldn’t get to feel this again. Jaebeom can’t imagine how it would be for him to lose all this. 

He puts his hand over Youngjae’s one squeezing it getting the younger boy to squeeze his legs in the process. It’s so peaceful Jaebeom could fall asleep, but the tension on the back of his head won’t let him, he is waiting for the bomb to go off at any moment. When it’s past one and a half-hour that they’ve been in the car and Jaebeom is starting to get antsy he finally builds up the courage to ask Youngjae where they are going. 

“It’s… nowhere really, it’s just a place I used to go to in my first year here. I didn’t know you back then and it was kinda lonely, I liked going to where I’m taking you to think, it’s not so important but I miss it, mostly when I have a lot in mind.” 

Youngjae says it as if nothing, but for Jaebeom it sounds like it’s something big. A place where Youngjae used to go by himself that now he is taking Jaebeom to, it feels important for him. And he can’t stop hearing Youngjae’s voice saying it was lonely before he met Jaebeom, it was lonely for Jaebeom was well. He just didn’t know it got better for Youngjae after they started dating. 

After the confession it gets easier to talk, it was never hard but Jaebeom felt like he shouldn’t. They talk about everything and nothing, Youngjae tells him about the song he is trying to compose in the violin that is giving him a headache. They never talk about what happened, the fight, about the lack of communication in the past days, they keep it light. 

“Ah, seriously, we’ve been in this car for too long my legs are falling asleep.” Jaebeom doesn’t think that there’s anything different about the desert he’s been looking at for hours now, they could have stopped as soon as they were out of the town. 

“Just a few more miles and well be there, promise,” true to his words after ten minutes or so Youngjae is driving out of the road right into the desert rocks. He already drives badly as it is, driving over rocks just makes it all worse. Jaebeom tells him to stop but the boy just laughs, he soon gets to a stop. “We are here,”

“Yeah, by a miracle we are not dead. How even did you find this place by yourself? And honestly, it’s, all the same, we could have stopped hours ago. There’s nothing special about it,” 

“Jaebeom, it has been just three hours and this place is the best spot to stargazing, come on.” He gets out of the car and pulls Jaebeom with him to the back of the truck. There are blankets there and even pillows that Jaebeom hasn’t seen before. 

They lie together in the back of the truck, it’s not comfortable at all, Youngjae doesn’t have a mattress here, of course, that would be too much. But that would be the only possible way of getting it comfortable enough, the blankets are cold instead of warm. Still, Jaebeom doesn’t complain at all when Youngjae puts his head on Jaebeom’s shoulder to look up at the stars. 

“It’s beautiful,” Jaebeom whispers.

“I know, that’s why I wanted you to see it,” the whole thing it’s beautiful but Jaebeom isn’t talking about the stars or the big moon hanging over them. What is the prettiest sight he has ever seen it’s Youngjae’s face being illuminated by the moonlight, he glows. Everything else is so dark, the only noises coming from the owls, and the only light seems to come from Youngjae’s eyes, even though Jaebeom knows it is coming from the moon and the stars this is not how he will keep this memory. He will remember Youngjae as the only bright thing here. 

Jaebeom is hugging Youngjae close to him so he doesn’t miss it when his voice calls for him. He is already looking at Youngjae so he only has to nod, “yes, babe?” Jaebeom knows they will have to talk now, he dreads it. 

“I kinda don’t know what to do anymore,” his voice is soft but it hurts Jaebeom like a punch in his stomach, he knows what Youngjae means he doesn’t know what to do about them anymore. “I don’t want you to promise me anything, you never keep your promises anyway. I just… I don’t want us to ruin this.” 

He doesn’t say Jaebeom is the only one ruining it but he knows he is the one at fault, he knows he is the one who starts every argument. The one that wants to keep Youngjae only for himself, the one that can’t have feelings without making a mess out of everything, without turning everything into an obsession. 

“I’m really sorry, I’m so so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t-- I shouldn’t have punched him. There are no excuses for what I did,” Jaebeom did what he never thought he would do, he punched someone else out of jealousy. He was lucky they weren’t it school or he would have been expelled, lucky the guy didn’t tell on him. 

“Yeah, there isn’t. But then why did you yell at me when I tried to talk to you about it? Why didn’t you call me after it, you went MIA on me, Jaebeom. Was I the one supposed to apologize to you?” Jaebeom can’t meet his eyes anymore, he feels shame consuming him. Since he doesn’t reply Youngjae continues, “you should know Yugy it’s just my friend, nothing else. You should know I would never look at someone else.” 

“I-- God, I know, I know. The problem is not what you do, it’s my head, it’s how I feel,” this is hard enough to say and he knows it will only get harder. “I will apologize to him,” 

“I’d hope so. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about, I don’t want to demand anything. What I want is to hear it’s how you feel. What are you so afraid of, be honest with me, Jaebeom, I want to hear from you.” Youngjae never sounded angry at him and he doesn’t sound angry now either, no matter what Jaebeom has done, his voice isn’t accusing, he tries to make Jaebeom feel comfortable as hard as it is. “Please, Jaebeom,”

“Losing you, I’m afraid I’ll lose you. That you will find someone better, that you will stop loving me, that will all be over too son.” The words are forced out of him, each one of them is painful to say but there’s no reason to lie, or pretend he doesn’t feel like this. “I feel so insecure, you are just the only thing that matters to me. I need you so much, I can’t imagine myself without you.” 

Youngjae is silent for a long time, Jaebeom doesn’t know for how long but he is pretty sure that long minutes passed as he watches the few clouds in the sky moving. 

“I won’t leave you, ever. It’s just not an option, but I really don’t know how things will be in our future. I will stay, of course, I will stay. I love you way too much to go anywhere, but I don’t know if we can be happy living like this. I mean I _know_ we love each other, but the way we show it… like when you disappear after a fight, what should I do when you run away?” He keeps saying that they do things wrong even though it’s Jaebeom who does them all. 

The truth is that Jaebeom has no idea what he should say, what Youngjae should do, maybe he should break up with Jaebeom, live his own life without a burden but he is too selfish to say that out loud. “It’s not you who should do something, it’s me. I will try to do better, I will--”

“Told you to not make promises, I don’t wanna hear them.” It should be harsh but it isn’t, his voice is as soft as ever, he isn’t scolding Jaebeom just being sincere. It hurts more because of that because Jaebeom knows he means it, he tired of Jaebeom’s empty words. Maybe if he was mad it would be easier, disappointment hurts.

“What should I do then? I don’t know what is the right thing to do. Youngjae, I love you too much, it’s pathetic I need you all the time, need to be with you and it hurts me when we are not together. It’s fucking painful that I don’t know for how long you will want me.” 

Jaebeom is brave enough to look at Youngjae, he has his head on his pillow now eyes never leaving the sky, expression thoughtful. Jaebeom believes this place really might help Youngjae somehow, he is lost in thoughts, probably looking for the right thing to do. The older boy is just so cared the best thing Youngjae can think about is leaving him. Even the thought of it gives him anxiety as if he can’t breathe properly anymore. 

“I don’t know what you should do either, I don’t know what either of us should do. For real, Jaebeom, I try to look at it in every possible way and I can only see things getting worse.” He isn’t wrong, the harder Jaebeom falls more obsessed he grows with the other. He will try to act like a normal person but he knows he will fail just like he keeps on doing, he is too damn needy. 

He keeps going, maybe too desperate, “can we at least try again? We try to fix things along the way, I just need to have one more chance to keep trying.” Jaebeom knows this isn’t a solution, it’s not a solution for him to stop his possessiveness nor a solution for Youngjae to be happy with him. But it’s the only thing he can think of. 

“I will give you a thousand chances, not just one more, isn’t it too obvious? I wish it was. The same way you can’t live without me I can’t live without you, y’know?” Jaebeom nods at the words even though they are not the truth. Youngjae might believe he loves and needs Jaebeom the same way the older one does, but he doesn’t. There’s always someone that loves more in a relationship, and it’s obvious Jaebeom. 

He would give and do anything for Youngjae, to be with Youngjae, he would do anything the boy asked him for, would die for him if it was necessary. He waits for Youngjae’s texts every morning and every night, he goes against everyone to be with him. It will never change, he will always need Youngjae more than his boyfriend needs him and he is fine with that. He is fine if he needs to love for both of them as long as they stay together. 

“I love you. I don’t want to have reasons to apologize in the future, I’ll take better care of you. I love you so much, I’ll be good.” It’s a promise, a promise Jaebeom shouldn’t be making and that Youngjae doesn’t want to hear. But it feels like he should promise, for the both of them, for their relationship he should try.

Youngjae doesn’t say anything about it, instead, he kisses Jaebeom. The kiss is the only harsh thing he knows how to do, Youngjae kisses Jaebeom with so much strength it hurts, he can feel the bitter taste of blood in his mouth but he can’t complain about the pain. There’s nothing to complain about, Jaebeom likes it. 

They make out for the rest of the night, cold hands exploring each other’s body as if they have never done it before. They stay there until the sunrise, watching it together without saying anything, just holding each other. Youngjae then drives them to a diner he hasn’t gone to in a long time as well, but that he loves. 

“I’m bringing you to my favorite places so maybe you can understand me better. Trust me better,” Jaebeom can’t take his eyes away from, from his red-ish sore mouth. Youngjae is just too pretty, too sweet, too caring, too good. There’s nothing bad about him, all he does is try to get Jaebeom to feel better, to feel loved, to trust him. It’s useless, Jaebeom feels all the love right now but he will forget all about it as soon as they part ways, will let the insecurity consume his brain. For now, though he allows himself to be loved. 

Jaebeom allows himself to enjoy every second with Youngjae, to feel every touch and to trust on it, to hear Youngjae’s ‘I love you’s’ and let them fill his heart without worries. If he can keep the feeling just for this moment Jaebeom will be happy enough. He can way to the next time he will hear it again and feel at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> -im in no way romanticizing jealousy or codependent relationships, like it's pretty clear how not good it is im not trying to pretend it's something good. i do believe they can work on it, that's my (head)canon  
> -also love isn't something u can measure but if u ask me youngjae is the one who loves the most here :)  
> \- i kinda want to work on different things if u think about something u would like to read u can hmu on my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/loveubetter) not prompts but u know ideas u enjoy reading or smth. i make no promises i just would like to see it lol  
> -anyways i talked a lot probably no one read but stay safe, healthy and fuck fascists!!!!


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